Once in awhile…

I saw two previous classmates who were also my good friends yesterday in a conference here at the law school. They were now the speakers, of course. I, on the other hand, remained as part of the audience. Not that I want to be speaker, after all it wasn’t a matter within my area of research. But I mention this anyway to illustrate my point that once in awhile I think this whole notion of delayed gratification as a graduate student gets old. They looked so accomplished (it helped that they were tall and wore suits) and grown-up. I, on the other hand, with my backpack (I came from the library), jeans and all, just looked stuck.

It’s either I bury myself into work with the idea that the sooner I finish the sooner I get to join the “accomplished” (what does this mean anyway?) club. Or I take my sweet time and embrace this state of mine wholeheartedly. I’m not even sure if I can get a job at the end of it, but that’s the least of my worries at this point. Anyway, that is just something I thought about yesterday. At least some things rarely change – the three of us were all eating free dinner, just like old times.

On dissertation doldrums

A little over two weeks and I am going for a brief break in Manila. I still have not written anything – I am at the very least reading materials connected to my incipient first chapter but one cannot write a dissertation other than by writing. If it’s any indication of my mental state, I just had a dream involving two of my supervisors, and how they finally saw me as a fluke.

Four months into a supposedly “stress-free” semester with no teaching obligations, 0 words written. That must set some kind of record.

A friend of mine doing a similar degree program over at the “other” school advised that I should set (and by implication – follow it) a schedule of some sort. She personally writes from 530am-7pm with various breaks in between, and only during weekdays. She now has 250 pages written and is expecting to graduate by June of next year. And I started earlier than her. I’m such a doltz.

Anyhow, no sense crying over spilt milk. I decided to take her advice (well, as of last Friday), and have not been doing much this weekend related to the dissertation. But I finished all my readings for the History graduate seminar I attend for the first time. Bottomline is that the dissertation will not write itself. I should do that at some point.

An Easter Reflection

The tomb was open, even before morning broke.

To be certain, it was not to let Jesus out. A resurrected body can supposedly walk through closed doors. So why move the stone? The answer of course is to let people in. Halfway across the globe, a Jesuit friend entitled the Lenten retreat he’s giving this year  “God in the Dungeons.” It could not be more apt today on different levels. The Church is an institution besieged with public outrage for justice and accountability in the wake of newly discovered child abuse cases involving priests. The Pope is being told to resign. The world is still chaotic. Wars and disasters threaten us all, some more than others. In my own insignificant personal bubble, I have broken all the “things” I said I would give up for Lent. A friend left the church in exasperation over the current incarnation of the scandals plaguing the church and I couldn’t even articulate any adequate attempt to persuade her otherwise. Worse, I have indulged the self-regarding part of myself in more ways than one. By any logical measure, my Lenten season was a disaster.

Nevertheless, there is a reason why Easter is the most important holiday in Christendom. It recounts the story of salvation, from the story of creation all the way to the death and resurrection of Christ, and not only tells a story of hope. It promises hope. That is what is inside the tomb. God got us this far already, do we really think he will let us go at this point? The rational part of my brain of course tells me this is complete hogwash. But whatever part about religion is completely rational anyway?

On the lighter side of things, I spent Easter weekend going around Cape Cod with some friends. I attended the Easter vigil mass, weirdly enough there was no sermon during the service, and we had a lobster and clambake feast afterwards. It was mostly a weekend of eating and taking pictures – and in this regard, the Brazilian grill in Hyannis deserves special mention.

I also managed to spend some time to reflect on the few things that have been bugging me as of late, including some unexpected things that happened over the weekend. I decided in the end, as with everything else, to take the plunge again. So hopefully with that break behind me, I will be more productive with regard to my dissertation starting tomorrow.

Most importantly, the sun is back. Spring has arrived.